My daughter knows I write this blog, and she asked me the other day whether or not I’d written about fidget spinners yet. I told her the topic was too trendy. Besides, I reasoned, the whole thing will blow over, just like Bakugan, Pokemon Go, dreams of 100% proficiency, and those little skateboards that infested my classroom a few years back. But I’ve changed my mind. Fidget spinners themselves won’t be around for long, but the trend that fidget spinners started just might.
The genius of the fidget spinner, of course, is that word “fidget.” This shamelessly transparent attempt to legitimize a toy is a lesson in how brazen marketers can be when their targets are gullible parents who will apparently fall for anything with an education word attached to it. It’s because of this that we aren’t done with fidget spinners and their nettlesome offspring. When the fidget craze ends, we can expect to see copycats. It’s really easy to do. Take a toy. Stick an educational buzzword in front of it. Voila! The next big distraction invading your classroom.
Rumor has it the following are already in production:
Place this cuddly taskmaster at the corner of your desk and pat his head during a tough math problem. He says things like, “Don’t give up!” “Winners never quit!” “You can do it!” “Persevere!” and “Don’t you know there are kids in Asia who will spend 20 minutes on a problem like this?” Manufactured by Duckworth Enterprises.
Simply slip on this ring anytime you need to concentrate better. Taking a big test? Put on the ring and watch your scores soar! The focus ring is made of a copper alloy and infused with essential oils, guaranteeing its wearer a laser-like focus.
Your school bans cell phones. How unfair. But what school in their right mind would even think of banning STEAM phones? STEAM phones come preloaded with all your favorite math, science, and engineering apps! Forgot the symbol for antimony? Use your STEAM phone! Need to calculate large sums? The STEAM phone has a calculator! Thinking of checking Facebook or texting your friends during that boring history lesson? You can do that, too! But then you can go right back to doing STEAM stuff! Teachers love STEAM, and they’ll love these phones!
Growth Mindset Gnome
This adorable gnome with the face of Carol Dweck
blows a raspberry anytime you have a fixed mindset thought. There’s nothing like a loud Bronx cheer to change your thinking from “Ah, shit! I screwed up again! I’m so stupid!” to “Mistakes help me learn better.”
Science has proven
that children who delay gratification grow up to be adults who make more money, report higher levels of happiness, always put down the toilet seat, and never go bald. How did science learn this? MARSHMALLOWS! Now your kids can practice delaying that gratification all day long. Simply place the self-regulation marshmallows on students’ desks. Use the self-regulation marshmallow app (available on iOS or Android) to set a timer. Then sit back and watch students learn the Pavlovian way when they get a small electric shock anytime they touch the marshmallow before the preset time! FUN!
These are only the five I’ve heard about. But I bet, reader, you’ve heard of others. Tell us about them in the comments or on Facebook.
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